You know those times in life where you make a decision that makes just enough sense to do it but deep down, you know it is not going to go as well as you want it to? Yeah, that is what just happened to us, and boy are we suffering the consequences.
D and I decided to have a food free-for-all before starting the highly restrictive Plant-Based Whole30. So we ate our favorite donuts, hamburgers, general snack foods and were basically a couple of indulgent slugs. The day before we began, the diet happened we went to “our” restaurant and had raw oysters and a bevy of fried foods you wouldn’t have believed (and neither did my stomach later in the evening.)
We woke up on March 1st and were ready to rock and roll. Kind of. I was already angry from the first sip of my unsweetened, dairy-free coffee. I have had various types of nut milk and soy milk, but I always had stevia or other sweeteners to make it better. The ungodly bitterness and chalkiness of this hot, murky beverage just pissed me off. I ate a measly, little banana knowing that I only had to make it one day until our Daily Harvest box arrived, and I would have delicious smoothies ready to go every morning. Work was easy as I was busy all day, however, not being the biggest fan of water and having no stevia for my iced tea or coffee, I found myself not drinking anything at all. I came home exhausted and dehydrated but that is not new. When your hands are busy all day, and your face is in a mask for protection from a potentially deadly virus, it is tough to drink enough fluids, especially since every time I move my mask to take a drink, it becomes a fucking Olympic event to get it back on without my glasses fogging up.
When I got home that night, I basted some cauliflower with a Formerly Known As Thug Kitchen recipe for ranch dressing that I had used before and roasted it. I also made a cucumber onion salad, and I made Dave a baked sweet potato. Everything was delicious, but there was a problem. Our weekend feeding frenzy had kicked Dave’s Brewer’s Gut into gear because he had basically hand-fed his belly full of yeast some Hero Donuts and a ridiculous amount of carbs and I had basically burned my esophagus (called Barrett’s esophagus) by drinking Coke and <a href="http://<a target="_blank" href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0731S7D1N/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=marlenedoes06-20&linkCode=ur2&linkId=c98167b83698d8eaff180f10857c8792&camp=1789&creative=9325">Tautillanon-alcoholic champagne the two nights before we began. So, that delicious meal I cooked and ate got lodged in my esophagus for 36 hours. I finally threw up the offending piece of food at about 4 am this morning. I actually had to cancel some appointments it was so bad. Meanwhile, Dave was in hell with his gut. He is still suffering this morning.
This morning I had the Daily Harvest smoothies to look forward to, and both of our smoothies were delicious. I think I will have to puree some banana or dates to put in my coffee to get a tiny bit of sweetness until I can get used to not having all my coffee and tea vices. I would have punched a monkey for an egg this morning, so methinks I am going to have to learn to make good scrambled tofu. Also, I do not have enough veggies in the fridge. I’ve gotten so out of the cooking habit during my pandemic-related depression that I’ve forgotten to stock up on the right things.
I’m pretty sure that salsa will save my life, so I’m going to be making a giant vat of it this weekend and will buy some After Midnight Salsa to make it until then. I might have to change the name of this diet to El Whole Trenta because I plan on eating a lot of beans and salsa. The bean consumption in this house is going to create a gas rivalry. I think Dave and I might actually gas the two dogs and 3 cats out of the bed in a true reversal of fortune. Hot boxing/dutch oven-ing is about to be our new nighttime ritual. Thank god for blow dryers at work. It’s amazing how quickly you can blow a fart away from you and your client. #hairstylistsecrets