For the record, I actually love nature and all the gifts it gives me, but I said this after a bite of a mediocre-tasting tofu scramble. I enjoy eating healthy food; however, let’s get real– there is no nut in this world, no matter how exotic and fatty, that will miraculously taste like creamy half and half after being soaked in water and pulverized to bejesus and back. And adding vanilla makes it a hair better, but that isn’t enough for this girl. Do you know what makes it better? Sweetener and animal by-products, damn it.
We are learning a lot about what we are addicted to, and holy shit, it seems I am addicted to far more than I thought. I could write an epic love song to all dairy products right now. I miss dairy like a desert misses rain. Like rap misses Tupac. Like a neutered dog misses his balls. DEAR GOD, I MISS IT SO MUCH. You should see the lengths to which we molest a baked potato. Dave and I laughed like hyenas at the first time we made one and again when we ate another one the next night. I am pretty sure we will continue our culinary molesting of potatoes because that has been a favorite meal of the week. I’d like to give a massive shoutout to Trader Joe’s Mushroom and Company Multipurpose Umami Seasoning Blend. I am sure it is not Whole30 compliant, and I do not care. It makes everything better, as does Penzey’s Fox Point Seasoning. I was delighted to know that nutritional yeast will not cause Dave’s belly to act up, so I’ve been using it like crazy, too (and it is Whole30 compliant.)
A few of Kite Hill‘s products are allowed, so we use their yogurt, sour cream, and cream cheese. There’s no bread to spread the cream cheese on (silent sobbing), but we are using it to add a creaminess to things such as a tofu breakfast scramble. I used one recipe found on the internet, and I consumed about a third of it and then just stared angrily at my plate, wishing that sheer vitriol could transform that pile of mush into glorious soft scrambled eggs. Though I have cooked with tofu a lot, this is the first time I have tinkered around with using tofu as a scrambled egg substitute, and there is definitely a learning curve. One brand’s firm tofu is another brand’s silken. The best I have found thus far is Hodo Extra Firm Tofu which was too dense for a scrambled egg texture but will be badass as a meat substitute when dried out and hold its shape and texture in liquids. The most successful scramble I’ve made contained so many ingredients that the term “scramble” truly fits. I put onions, black beans, salsa, nutritional yeast, Fox Point, and a myriad of other things in it to make it palatable. I might as well have just picked up the refrigerator and shook it over the skillet. I have never used that many things in scrambled eggs or even a complex omelet.
I honestly thought I already knew enough about vegetarian/vegan cooking to get by on this diet. It turns out that I don’t know shit, but I damn sure will once this is done. I may be bitter and angry about eating all of this nature, but it will add a lot to my kitchen repertoire, and for that, I am delighted. It is also helping me to reconnect to the woman I once was who cooked healthy meals for herself and enjoyed every second.
But I would still punch a monkey for some stevia and half and half.